Tears Of A Clown

"Hi, we're gonna take good care of you. I'm nurse Emily." If she only knew the irony of that short introduction. At this moment, with everything in my life piled up on me and attempting to deal with it in an extreme fashion, all could do is laugh. As my aunt groaned and whispered, "Is there another nurse. That name is part of the reason he's here.", I realized that it is damn near impossible to run from your problems. Before I go any further, I wanna thank those of you who knew about this, and not only stuck beside me, but allowed me to tell it on my own time. And for those who consider themselves close to me and didn't know, it's doesn't mean we're not close. I just had to deal with my struggles in my own way. On July 31, 2012, I attempted suicide. It wasn't a cry for help. I didn't tweet or post anything to make people feel pity or try to save me. I was way past that. In fact only one person knew. For all intents and purposes, I was planning to die on that rainy sunday. For quite a few years now, I've suffered with depression. Like many people who have it, especially men, I hid it. I wore a smile as a mask in front of even the most intimate of friends and family. I went out of my way to avoid talking about anything that I felt hurt me.In fact, trying to make others laugh instead of crying over my struggles is probably the main reason I started comedy in the first place. The worst thing about dealing with depression is that you feel you are alone, yet you don't wanna bother people with your problems so you keep it to yourself, so in actually, you are the reason you feel alone. That's the vicious cycle. I was constantly thinking of suicide the entire week before, and no one, not even my parents who both saw me that friday, had any clue that anything was wrong. Faking being happy was the most exhausting thing I have ever done. I'm not writing this for sympathy. Honestly, I don't need it. I'm happy now. I graduate in 2 weeks, I have a great foundation of friends and family around me, I no longer feel like I have to keep things bottled up, and most of all, I want to LIVE! Yes, I still struggle. Some days I still feel alone. But it's alot less. I'm motivated to see what's out there. I'm writing this for people who have been were I was or are still there. I'm writing this for people who may not notice that the friend that is always there to help but not ask may just be afraid to ask. In my first therapy session, my aunt went down a whole list of things that happened that triggered emotions in me, but I never realized that those things were the very things that caused extreme emotional shifts within myself. In order for any disease to have a cure, you have to find the cause. If you can save someone's life by just picking up a phone or texting them, why wouldn't you? I promise, sometimes that all someone may need. In no particular order, I wanna thank everyone who's been apart of my journey to being happy this past year; Mom (both of you), dad, Cynthia (I may not be here without you), Val, Ann, Alex, T Barbara, T Rue, Fran, Edd, Mia, September, Lynn, Ashley, Chamieka, Lish, Tye, Tanesha (all three of y'all), Vandell, Brittany, Kenyatta, Virshina, Brian, Takelia, Jessica, and so many other people that have been there, sometimes unknowingly, to help me realize that life is to be enjoyed. I love you all.

I Can Do It Too

Do I go to the doctor's office and tell them that I can prescribe medicine? Hey, I give people Excedrin if they have a headache. Do I tell the locksmith that I can fix locks? I mean I've broken into a house or two(all my dwellings of course). Do I tell Peyton Manning that I could be a quarterback if I wanted to? People say I can throw a ball. Do I tell the pastor of my church that I could preach? I know scriptures.
The answer to all of those questions is "NO"! SO WHY THE F--- DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO TELL ME YOU SHOULD DO COMEDY?! People say that you're funny? Well were there strangers judging you from the moment you stepped onstage? Was what you said an inside joke that only you and your inner circles of friends would get? Can you take being under hot lights, having people hang on your every word, and think on your toes if things don't go your way? Can you make people laugh from what you come up with or what you heard Katt Williams say?
You can sing. I can't. You can design a house. I can't. You can fly a plane. I can't. I can do comedy. YOU CAN'T! This is mine! I'm not gonna lessen the value of what you do by saying I can do it even though I have never tried it. So why not treat me the same? You wanna get onstage? I invite you to do it. But until you've felt that microphone in your had and got that first laugh, do me a favor...SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Here's A Story...

Ok, I heard a really interesting story today that I would like to share. There are 2 young boys, one white, and one black, walking down the street together. Along the way the white child picks up a rope and carries it, white the black child grabs a stick as his souvenir. When they get done with the walk the black kid asks his white friend, "Why did you pick up that rope?" The little white boy's answer was simple to him. "I have this rope so that when I climb up to the top, I can pull my people up with me. Why did you pick up that stick?" The black kid's answer was just as simple. "I have this stick so that when I get to the top I can beat my people from coming up there."
All I can say to this story is that when that white kid pulls his people up there, they will be able to push him up higher. His "top" has unlimited potential. That black kid, his "top" will surely be limited.

Lack Entertainment Television

If you follow me on twitter, or know me personally, it is no secret that I don't watch BET. Now to be fair, I don't watch a lot of television. There's Family Guy, The Boondocks, most sports, any stand up, and every so often I might catch some WWE tv. But for the most part, that's it. Television, in my view, is mostly useless and not entertaining.
With that being said, I have no problem with there being a Black Entertainment Television network. Like most institutions of America, black representation on television has been limited at best. For every one Cosby Show there were 5 white shows. Much like we established Historically Black Colleges to give blacks equal education, BET was formed to give us equal entertainment.
Here lies my issue with BET. Black culture is not represented well. If I was to show a foreigner who's never been around black people BET, he would have a jaded view on what is an diverse and proud race. Artists with meaningful videos take a backseat to blinged out ignorance. Wholesome sitcoms are replaced with reality shows based in the most outlandish coonery. Talk shows about serious issues in black society have turned into reruns of bad ghetto B-movies.
Frankie and Neffie is an inspiration to...nothing. Tiny and Toya are washed up. Michael Vick is old news and not a role model. 106 and Park is a joke. The Monique Show is a modern day chitlin circuit. BET is not quality television in the least.
As a person who watches less tv than most, I can argue that most the stuff on television is garbage, which I do. But the fact that BET is supposed to represent my race makes me put it on a higher curve. If they would allow more intelligent programming, I wouldn't have an issue. But until that happens I will continue not to watch. Because it is not a proper representation of us, therefore I don't consider it black. It is not entertaining. All it remains to be is television. So I'm gonna go read a book. Let me know if you find something good on.

Where are they at?

Where are the real men at?
 Where are the men who hold a door open for a woman?
 Pull out a chair?
Be a father?
Give her your jacket when she's cold?
Call when you're not home on time?
Tell her where you're really going?
Cook for her?
Pump her gas?
Tell her you love her more than once a year?
Lay down your jacket so you can walk over a puddle?
Make real love to her?
Not make her cry?
Respect her?
Don't hit her?
Pay for a date?
Hold her?
Don't call her a hoe or bitch?
Take her out?
Where y'all at?

By the way, where are the real women at?
Where are the women who treat your man with respect?
Stand behind him?
Cook for him?
Ask him about his day?
Let him enjoy the game?
Don't nag him?
Understand his boys are important to him also?
Allow him to be strong?
Respect his mom?
Know lovemaking is a 2 person job?
Don't blame him for them problems another man left you with?
Don't use his child as leverage for what you want?

It goes both ways. We need to step our game up in relationships. Or else, nobody is going to be happy. There isn't just a shortage of good men. There isn't just a shortage of good women. Let's do better, to have better.

K. He's Black. Now What?

Watching the season premiere of one of my favorite shows, "The boondocks", inspired me to write this blog. I feel that a lot of us are okay with Barack Obama winning the presidency. And it stops there. So being the first black president is all that matters? What about universal health care? What about the war in Iraq? What about the unemployment issues?
Now I realize Obama is working on solving all of these problems, but where are we in voicing our approval? We wanna complain about people what don't agree with him making news airwaves, but none of us are taking a stand for him. Every decision this man comes with is met with scrutiny by every level of congress. Where are we now? Wearing a shirt with his face on it isn't doing the job anymore.
"We the people..." If this is true, why are we the people afraid to voice our support for the man we put in office? Our thoughts are, "I put him in the house. Now he's the one that has to change it." Bullshit! Bush had an army of supporters among the protesters. Where's Obama's army?
Realize what they are trying to do to us. Every policy he comes up with is met with more rejections than a black man at country club in the deep south. This is to halt progression. So in the next election, we look at what's changed and see nothing. Then who do we blame? Will you vote for him again if we're in the same situation Bush left us in?
Pay attention to the conspiracies at work around you. They know we cannot be stopped by them. We proved that in the election. But we can stop ourselves. Don't let them make us lose faith in a black president. Help him help us. We only have 3 more years.

Hip Hop In My Opinion

Is hip hop really dead? Rappers aren’t selling like they used to. It’s been almost 2 years since Wayne sold a million. Em couldn’t sell. Fifty couldn’t. Kanye tried to sing his way to sales, and failed. Jay still moved units, but not like back in the day. Nas is laughable when it comes to moving soundscan numbers. X is gone. Ja is a joke now. Pac, Big, and Pun are memories of a better time. T.I.’s absence left us without a king. So the complaint is that the new breed isn’t up to par. Of course the first argument of any hip hop head is Gucci Mane. Granted he isn’t Rakim, hell he isn’t even Special Ed, you can’t ignore success. As much as you hear “Gucci sucks”, I bet you’d be hard pressed to a person without one song of his in their music library. This could be due to the fact that his recording regimen is much like Wayne’s, release so much music that you almost over saturate the market. This reminds me of the old saying, “If you throw enough shit on the wall, something’s bound to stick.” Your next argument can be Souljah Boy. Yes his raps are simple. But so were Kris Kros, Bow Wow, and Kid n Play’s. Even one of the most played rap songs of all time, “Summertime” by Will Smith, is not big on metaphor usage. If there’s one thing that hurts his case though, is that Souljah Boy’s attitude that he feels he is the best. In conclusion, I feel if we weren’t so exposed to him as a person, we would have no problem with Souljah Boy’s music. The third case is tough one. Even though the need for more spotlight on female rappers is dire, is Nicki Minaj the one that should be on the forefront? Unlike Ludacris, her over animated style is more annoying than impressive. She’s ten years too late on the outwardly sexiness that Lil Kim made you go “OMG” over. Even her claim that she’s bi induces yawns because, unlike Lindsay Lohan, we’ve seen no proof. The only comparison to greatness is her sporadic rhymes that her label head Wayne has been known, and also scrutinized, for. One thing you can say about all of these rappers is that they are forced upon us. Gucci by the amount of music, Souljah Boy by using every internet marketing tool, and Nicki her label. Real talent isn’t forced, it’s accepted. None of these artists are considered great by industry standards. If they were, then you would see a Grammy nomination in there accolades. A refreshing artist is Drake. He came almost out of nowhere and was everywhere. But it wasn’t by a media blitz that was premeditated. We as fans wanted more. In a time where we thought there were no real hip hop mainstream artists, Drake rose to the spotlight and gave us hope. But did we really need to lose hope? Sure Lupe Fiasco, Wale, and Kid Cudi didn’t do big numbers. But they’re still in it. They’re still relevant. Plus we have the artists who have that true essence of hip hop on the come up. Charles Hamilton, Asher Roth, B.o.B., Cory Gunz, are a few of the rappers that remind me of what hip hop was. But isn’t hip hop also about change? It was us, hip hop, that changed the game. Hip hop is the new pop. Hence, all of our wrongdoings and failures are under a microscope. As long as we support true music, it will win over. At the same time, there is room for more than 16 bars of sheer metaphors or wit. Remember, we had to take ODB to get Wu-Tang, we had to take Flava Flava to get public enemy. There will always be stars who should’ve stayed on the bench, but that doesn’t mean they dominate the league. Hip hop has not died. It has merely expanded.