Tears Of A Clown

"Hi, we're gonna take good care of you. I'm nurse Emily." If she only knew the irony of that short introduction. At this moment, with everything in my life piled up on me and attempting to deal with it in an extreme fashion, all could do is laugh. As my aunt groaned and whispered, "Is there another nurse. That name is part of the reason he's here.", I realized that it is damn near impossible to run from your problems. Before I go any further, I wanna thank those of you who knew about this, and not only stuck beside me, but allowed me to tell it on my own time. And for those who consider themselves close to me and didn't know, it's doesn't mean we're not close. I just had to deal with my struggles in my own way. On July 31, 2012, I attempted suicide. It wasn't a cry for help. I didn't tweet or post anything to make people feel pity or try to save me. I was way past that. In fact only one person knew. For all intents and purposes, I was planning to die on that rainy sunday. For quite a few years now, I've suffered with depression. Like many people who have it, especially men, I hid it. I wore a smile as a mask in front of even the most intimate of friends and family. I went out of my way to avoid talking about anything that I felt hurt me.In fact, trying to make others laugh instead of crying over my struggles is probably the main reason I started comedy in the first place. The worst thing about dealing with depression is that you feel you are alone, yet you don't wanna bother people with your problems so you keep it to yourself, so in actually, you are the reason you feel alone. That's the vicious cycle. I was constantly thinking of suicide the entire week before, and no one, not even my parents who both saw me that friday, had any clue that anything was wrong. Faking being happy was the most exhausting thing I have ever done. I'm not writing this for sympathy. Honestly, I don't need it. I'm happy now. I graduate in 2 weeks, I have a great foundation of friends and family around me, I no longer feel like I have to keep things bottled up, and most of all, I want to LIVE! Yes, I still struggle. Some days I still feel alone. But it's alot less. I'm motivated to see what's out there. I'm writing this for people who have been were I was or are still there. I'm writing this for people who may not notice that the friend that is always there to help but not ask may just be afraid to ask. In my first therapy session, my aunt went down a whole list of things that happened that triggered emotions in me, but I never realized that those things were the very things that caused extreme emotional shifts within myself. In order for any disease to have a cure, you have to find the cause. If you can save someone's life by just picking up a phone or texting them, why wouldn't you? I promise, sometimes that all someone may need. In no particular order, I wanna thank everyone who's been apart of my journey to being happy this past year; Mom (both of you), dad, Cynthia (I may not be here without you), Val, Ann, Alex, T Barbara, T Rue, Fran, Edd, Mia, September, Lynn, Ashley, Chamieka, Lish, Tye, Tanesha (all three of y'all), Vandell, Brittany, Kenyatta, Virshina, Brian, Takelia, Jessica, and so many other people that have been there, sometimes unknowingly, to help me realize that life is to be enjoyed. I love you all.